Serenity #5:

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated and , second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure that my daughters visit me twice a week."

Serenity #4:

I've sure gotten old! I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia; have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my drivers license!

Serenity #3:

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

Serenity #2:

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?," The reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Serenity #1:

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98", she replied, "Two years older than me."

"So, you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Why everyone likes retirement #3:

What is the best way to describe retirement? The never-ending coffee break.

What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? He too polite to tell the whole truth.

What do you do all week? Monday through Friday, nothing... Saturday and Sunday, rest.

Why everyone likes retirement #2:

Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Tied shoes

Why do retirees count pennies? They are the only ones who have the time.

What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Nuts.

Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal

Why everyone likes retirement #1:

How many days in a week? 6 Saturdays and 1 Sunday

When is a retiree's bedtime? About 3 hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

What's the biggest gripe of retirees? There is not enough time to get everything done.

Why don't retirees mind being called seniors? Because the term comes with a 10%-15% discount.

Adult Truths #5:

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone and pinning the tail on the donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find an push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

The first testicular guard, the 'cup', was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize their brain is also important.

Heal the past, live the present and dream the future.

Adult Truths #4:

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid" routing option.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Adult Truths #3:

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Adult Truths #2:

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired.

Bad decisions make  good stories.

Adult truths #1:

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing is worse that that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was young.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

How are you supposed to fold a pleated sheet?

Joke Editor's Dictionary #9:

Ultimatum - n. - a last demand before resorting to concessions (Ambrose Bierce)

Vegetarian - n. - an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter" (Andy Rooney)

Whom - pronoun - a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler (Calvin Trillin)

X-ray - n. - an image often used by persons interested in becoming bone models (The Onion Book of Known Knowledge)

Yoga - n. - a Sanskrit word that means "Heal your back without insurance" (Norman K.)

Zucchini - n. - a vegetable that can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Joke Editor's Dictionary #8:

Spring - n. - Nature's way of saying "Let's party!" (Robin Williams)
Synonym - n. - A word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. (Burt Bacarach)

Tool - n. - An object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. (Dave Barry)

Joke Editor's Dictionary #7:

Psychiatrist - n. - 
(1) A fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing. (Joey Adams)
(2) The next person you start talking to after you start talking to yourself. (Fred Allen)

Queen - n. - Someone who is never late -- everyone else is simply early.

Reality - n. - A leading cause of stress for those in touch with it. (Jane Wagner)
Rotisserie - n. - A morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. (Mitch Hedberg)

Savings - n. - A very fine thing, especially when your parent have done it for you. (Winston Churchill)

Joke Editor's Dictionary #6:

Narcissist - n - someone better looking than you are. (Gore Vidal)
NASCAR - n. - the act of turning left in a Chevrolet for four hours. (Urban Dictionary)

Opera - n. - when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. (Ed Gardner)

Pessimist - n. - someone who is constantly being proven right or pleasantly surprised. (George Will)

Joke Editor's Dictionary #5:

Jury - n. - Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. (Robert Frost)

Ketchup - n. - A condiment that, when left overnight on a dinner plate, has a longer half-life than radioactivity. (Wes Smith)

Life - n. - What happens when you're not watching TV. (Jason Love)

Media - n. - The plural of mediocrity. (Jimmy Breslin)
Meow - n. - Woof, in cat. (George Carlin)

Joke Editor's Dictionary #4:

Hollywood - n. - The only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap - Steve Martin
Humans - n. - The only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home - Bill Cosby

Internet - n. - The death of the idea that your cat was special or that your dad was the only one who said Tar-jay - Alison Agosti

Joke Editor's Dictionary #3:

Experience - n. - That marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Firefighter - n. - One of the few job titles kind enough to warn me away by containing two words I'm not interested in, unlike the deceptive bookkeeper.
Fruit - n. - A vegetable with looks and money.

Greeting Card - n. - When you care enough to send the very best but not enought to actually write something.

Heaven - n. - A gated community.
Heck - n. - The place people go if they don't believe in gosh.

Joke Editor's Dictionary #2:

Committee - n. - A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
Conclusion - n. - The place you reach when you're tired of thinking.

Dachsund - n. - A dog that is half a dog high and a dog and a half long.
Disappointment - n. - Receiving no likes on a witty status.
Drama - n. Life with the dull bits left out.

Joke Editor's Dictionary #1

April, 2013 Readers Digest: Our Joke Editor's Dictionary by Andy Simmons:

Abdicate - v. - To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
Advice - n. - What we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't (Erica Jong)
Age - n. - A high price to pay for maturity (Tom Stoppard)

Bookstore - n. - One of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking (Jerry Seinfeld)

Calories - n. - Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes tighter every night

Cat - n. - An animal intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose (Garrison Keillor)