Tombstone

R. J. Harwell
Born 1914
Gave up smoking 1959
Gave up booze 1973
Gave up red meat 1983
Died anyway 1991

Church Bulletins are always good for a laugh :)

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale... It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help..
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can
get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight
Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Irishman's last request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

Irishman gone deaf?

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile..

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Irish Discretion

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Steven Wright #18

My girlfriend does her nails in white-out. When she's asleep, I go over and write misspelled words on them.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep. The record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I bought a dog. I named him "Stay". It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up a glass of water from his stool) ... I like to live on the edge.

I bought some powered water but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Steven Wright #17

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couln't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I was going 70 MPH and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 MPH?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long." this one reminds me of my grandfather and some of his excuses to cops

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yes, but I don't believe everything I read."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day. That means it's going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

Steven Wright #16

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub baloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how to get there.

My house is made out of balsa wood so, when I want to scare the neighborhood kids, I life it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other night, I came home late and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding and a copy pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway dong 60 MPH.

For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter. I had no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop and I'm gone.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going real fast and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take out the old one. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I watched the Indy 500 and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright #15

I can't find the remote control to my remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no 5 on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know. My calendar has no 7's on it."

Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello." and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh - I don't think so. He's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs fr ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took 50 pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was ligtning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead. I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Ihave a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in 2 minutes.

Steven Wright #14

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of a Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." We stopped at a Denny's like this in Baton Rouge once.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out the salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like? Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra Medium."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

For my birthday I go a humidifier and a de-humidifier.... I put thme in the same room and let them fight it out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent press"? I don't get it.

Steven Wright #13

I wrote a few children's books ... not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings ... Boy With Pail ... Kitten of Fire.

Steven Wright #12

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded!"

When I turned two I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital on their death beds next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So, what did you think?"

What are imitation rhinestones?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

In my house there's a light swithch that doesn't do anything (don't we all have one of those?). Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

Steven Wright #11

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I went to take it out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu". The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddently the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

Steven Wright #10

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked why. It told me it was none of my business.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale!"

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all thos bumper stickers. He hates New York!

A beautiful woman moved in next door so I went and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

Steven Wright #9

I moved into an all electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home, the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I went over to a neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put somethiing on.

Droughts are because God didn't pay His water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you tell a joke in the forest and nobody laughs, was it a joke?

This Just In - Are you OK?

The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter.

It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS.

Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

Are you O.K.?

Steven Wright #8

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

You know how it is wwhen you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. (special for Nita)

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Steven Wright #7

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes."

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkied for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give the the other one next year.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everyone on the list.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Steven Wright #7

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I alos bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get really bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright #6

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said "Wish you were here"

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a oouple of mistakes."

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My socks DO match. They are the same thickness.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't gong to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs: (1) A picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car (2) A rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright #5

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of the lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are mad up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other had, you have different fingers.

Steven Wright #4

The hardness of the peanut butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one peron is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a poor memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable - except from vending machines.

Steven Wright #3

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.