Steven Wright #15

I can't find the remote control to my remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no 5 on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know. My calendar has no 7's on it."

Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello." and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh - I don't think so. He's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs fr ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took 50 pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was ligtning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead. I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Ihave a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in 2 minutes.