My girlfriend does her nails in white-out. When she's asleep, I go over and write misspelled words on them.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep. The record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I bought a dog. I named him "Stay". It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up a glass of water from his stool) ... I like to live on the edge.
I bought some powered water but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Caesarian section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
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