Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies #2

If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do Forest Rangers to to "Get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating and endangered plant?

Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies #1

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the Self-Help Section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Road Signs #6

Hallmark: Face it. You'll never come up with anything clever on your own.

Road Signs #5

If drinking and driving is illegal, why do bars have parking lots?

Exxon: Where are all the news crews when we're NOT spilling anything?

Road Signs #4

Dyslexics Untie!

Saskatoon: There's plenty of room for all of God's creations...Right next to the mashed potatoes.

Road Signs #3

Mary Kay: Like a cult, but without the animal sacrifices.

U. S. Army: We are proud of our privates.

Road Signs #2

Hooked on Phonics: Helping Kids Read Gooder

Daisy Air Rifles: Keeping Kids Off Your Lawn Since 1886!

Road Signs #1

Road Signs #1

"Don't Drink and Drive.
You'll Only Spill It!"

MacDonald's labeled sing with picture of a sandwich:
"Beef.
(Mostly)

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #12

No matter where you go, there you are.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #11

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #10

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #9

Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #8

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #7

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #6

The secret to success is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #5

Even if the shoe doesn't fit, we wear it.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #4

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #4

Operations guide to modern science:
1. If it's green or it wriggles, it's biology.
2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #3

The Law of Inter-Departmental Communication: Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #2

Cooper's Revelation: Virtue is its own punishment.

EDS Federal Unnatural Laws #1

The Mail room:

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Just Wondering #32

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Just Wondering #31

Just Wondering #31

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

(I seem to have this problem every week at the grocery :( )

Just Wondering #30

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Just Wondering #29

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it is you.

Just Wondering #28

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Just Wondering #27

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Just Wondering #26

How come you never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Just Wondering #25

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Just Wondering #24

Why, in the winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Just Wondering #23

If people are evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Just Wondering #22

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Just Wondering #21

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Just Wondering #20

Why do the use sterilized needles for death by legal injection?

Just Wondering #19

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Just Wondering #18

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Just Wondering #17

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Just Wondering #16

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Just Wondering #15

Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Just Wondering #14

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Just Wondering #13

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Just Wondering #12

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Just Wondering #11

Why is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Just Wondering #10

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made from?

Just Wondering #9

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Just Wondering #8

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Just Wondering #7

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Just Wondering #6

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Just Wondering #5

Why are in IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Just Wondering #4

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Just Wondering #3

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Just Wondering #2

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Just Wondering #1

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #12

How to Shop by Yourself

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours at 7:00 PM

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #11

Learning to Live --
How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim

Driving Simulations

4 weeks on Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!

Real Life Testimonials

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM

Location to be determined.

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #8

Health Watch: They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #7

Can a Bath Be Taken without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program

Help Line Support and Support Groups

Meets 4 weeks, Friday and Saturday 7:00 PM

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #5

Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7 PM

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #4

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase - Pictures and Explanatory Graphics

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #3

Is it Possible to Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?

Group Debate

Meets 4 days weeks, Saturday, 10:00 AM for 2 hours.

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #2

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Complaining about it for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday, 12:00 for 2 hours

(Personal note - it also takes little effort to put the lid down! Women/Men who put down the seat often leave the lid up. A pet peeve of mine!)

New Classes at the Adult Learning Center #1

Up in winter; Down is summer - How to Adjust the Thermostat

Step by step with slide presentations

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours - starting at 7 PM

Actual Insurance Form Statements #23

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #22

I was thrown from my car as t left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #21

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #20

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of may car.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #19

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #18

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him..

Actual Insurance Form Statements #17

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #16

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #15

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #14

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #13

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #12

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #11

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #10

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #9

In an attempt to kil a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #8

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #7

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #6

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

TMI

Wife to friend with husband in a recliner: "The company finally realized his abilities ... he's been fired."

Unintended Consequences?

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Actual Insurance Form Statements #5

A truck backed through my windshield  into my wife's face.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #4

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #3

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my through it.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #2

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #1

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with  tree don't have.

Good Advice

Boss to employee: "I don't care if your mind goes blank once in a while, but please turn off the sound when it does"

Angel, Dear

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel."
Second Guy: "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

Ad for a Wife

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife want'. Nest day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Socrates - The Great Philosopher

Socrates - The Great Philosopher

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

King David Said It

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Trust Me - It's True

There is no task so simple tat it cannot be messed up beyond belief!

(Just ask Nita about my plumbing skills)

Test

Can you guess your sex?

Submit your answer.

(No fair peeking)

Math Quiz

Three men go into a room and lock the door. All of them are barefoot. The only thing in the room is a block of ice in the shape of a goat and three quarts of mussels. The next morning all 3 men leave the room.

Question: How many men are left in the room?

Focus

Keep your mind on your problems and they grow. Keep your mind on God and they go.

Good Incentive Program

King to the Knight:

"I understand you have some reservations about facing dragons."

"To help you overcome your timidness...

I've developed an incentive program. It will really motivate you."

"If you don't do it, I"ll have you put on the rack."

A Feast for the Soul Only

The menu was printed in French but the gentleman who came in for dinner did not intend to admit to his lack of acquaintance with foreign tongues.

He took the bill-of-fare in his hands and studied it with an air of great intentness. Then he aimed  a stout forefinger at a certain item near the top of the card and to the waiter who was bending over his shoulder he said:

"To start off with,I"ll take some of that!"

"I"m sorry sir," said the servitor, "but the orchestra is playing that!"

Mistaken Identity

A haggard-looking individual encounters an acquaintance on the street. The following dialogue ensues:

"So you were at the meeting of the Civic Improvement Forum yesterday? My wife was there. Did she speak?

"Well, I don't know your wife but there was one tall, slender lady with a very intent expression who arose ---"

"That must have been my wife. Go on."

"She arose and said she could not find the words to express her feelings."

"That couldn't have been my wife!"

That Woman You Live With

Master Willie, aged nine, came sniffling into the presence of his father.

"What's the matter with you:?" demanded the parent.

Willie stifled a sob.

"I've just had a terrible scene with your wife," he said.

No Parent Left Behind #4

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as was having a gangover.

Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under a doctor.

Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night!

Deceased Would Be Dressy

The clothier was boasting of the sagacity of his head clerk.

"That feller Jake," he said, "that's the smartest boy in the world. You don't believe it, huh? Listen: I prove it to you. Only yesterday there come in here a poor widow whose husband just had died. She wanted to get some clothes to bury the corpse in.

"And what did Jake do? I tell you: Not only did he sell her the most expensive suit that we had in stock but he got her to take also an extra pair of trousers.

No Parent Left Behind #3

Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

No Parent Left Behind #2

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was urt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in scholl cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

How to Lead

I've got to follow them; I'm their leader.

Classes of People

People come in three classes: the few who make things happen; the many who watch things happen; and the overwhelming majority who have no idea what happened (I'm in the majority  )

Thinking

Ours is the age which is proud of machines that think, and suspicious of men who try to.

No Parent Left Behind #1

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot
3. Dear school: please ecs's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today.  She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p .e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

Experience

It seems that every time you are ready to graduate from the school of experience, somebody thinks up a new course.

Definitions would be good things if we didn't use words to make them.

Experts are made; not born

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish a reputation as an expert.

Don't You Know It!

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.

Freedom of Speech

Freedom of speech was arranged by our ancestors who couldn't possibly have any  idea of what all was going to be said.

Picky Teacher

Teacher's note on a report card: Alvin excels in initiative, group interaction, responsiveness and activity participation. Now if he'd only learn to read and write.

What Could it Be?

Young son to mother, "Remember yesterday you gave me a nickel not to say darn any more? Well, today I learned a word worth at least a dollar."

I always wondered

The main difference between intelligence and stupidity is that intelligence has limits.

Leroy

What Do You Recommend?

Some kids are overprivileged. One in the cafeteria line the other day wanted to see the wine list.

Keeping Up With the Joneses?

Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Right or Wrong?

Once I thought I was mistaken, but I was wrong.

What's a castle?

A man's home is his hassle.

I'm married!

Bachelors know more about women than married me: if they didn't, they'd be married, too.

WW I

The first world war, caused by the assignation of the arch-duck by an atheist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Adam and Eve

Eve could never yell at Adam, "I could have married another man you know."

19th Century - the age of invention

The nineteenth century was a time of great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The Lottery

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose.

Great Britain

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is  in the East and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

Love is not for one

What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires an accomplice.

France

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted a heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine  was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

Decisions, decisions

You marry the person who is most available when you are the most vulnerable.

Friend or Foe?

A friend is someone who has the same enemies as you do.

Natural Resources

It looks as though the taxpayer will be the first of America's resources to be completely exhausted.

Beethoven

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Thought For the Day

We work like hell in the country so we can live in the city, where we work like hell so we can live in the country.

It's Going to be a Bad Day When:

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

It's Going to Be a Bad Day when #2:

Your son tells you he wished Anita Bryant would mind her own business

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there any

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency route out of the city

Your twin sister forgets your birthday

You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have  waterbed

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When:

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You call the suicide prevention help-line and they put you on hold.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

You see a 60-Minutes news team waiting in your office

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Office Wisdom #4:

Forwarded for your consideration: You hold the bag for a while.

Personnel Manager to new hire: "You'll find working here very exciting! We have fifteen jobs and twelve pay checks!"

Office Wisdom #3:

Let's go over this at lunch: It's time we ate on your expense account.

Reliable source: The last person I talked to.

Unimpeachable source: The fellow who started the rumor.

Activate: Make more carbons and add names to the memo.

Note and initial: Let's spread the responsibility.

Office Wisdom #2:

Under consideration: Never heard of it until now.

Under active consideration: We're trying to locate the correspondence.

We're making a survey: We need more time to think of an answer.

The members say: Voicing the opinion of the last one who called.

Let's get together on this: You're probably as mixed up as I am.

Memories

Drawn and Quartered comic many years ago:

Boy is showing his bare bedroom walls to a friend:

"That's where I had my Pete Rose poster; that's where I had my Mike Tyson poster; that's where I had my Darryl Strawberry poster; and the OJ Simpson poster was over my bed."

I am a Rush Job

I belong to no age, for men have always been in a hurry.

Men believe me necessary - but falsely.

I rush today because I was not planned yesterday.

I demand excessive energy and concentration;

I override obstacles, but at great expense.

I illustrate the old saying "Haste Makes Waste".

My path is strewn with the evils of  overtime, mistakes and disappoints;

Accuracy and quality give way to speed.

Ruthlessly I rush on -- I AM A RUSH JOB!

Office Wisdom:

It's in the process. We forgot about it until now.

We'll look into it it. You may forget it, too.

Take this up at our next meeting. That will give you time to forget.

Project: A major approach to a minor job.

Program: A project requiring more than one telephone call.

The Project Cycle

1. Wild Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Total Confusion
4. Search for the Guilty
5. Punishment for the Innocent
6. Promotion of the non-participants

Why worry about tomorrow?

We may not make it through today!!!!!!

Columbus

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

If not now, when? If not you, who?

I wondered why someone didn't do something. Then I realized, I am somebody.

Polish Fun with Math

1. Put your age down on a piece of paper.
2. Add one.
3. Subtract one.
4. The answer will be your age

Standard Answers in the Business World

1. It's being looked into.
2. I can't tell you that, it's confidential.
3. That shouldn't have happened.
4. You can't get there from here.
5. Try it, it might work.
6. Try it, but it might not work.
7. You can try it, but it won't work.
8. Trust me, it works that way.
9. I don't know why, it just does.
10. It is known that this is not optimal.
11. That's the way they wrote it.
12. I don't know why they did it that way.
13. Purpose was to save money.
14. God only knows.

Economics

Pepper and Salt, NY Journal?

Husband to wife: "Here's a leading economic indicator - my wallet is empty!"

I understand - about Mornings!

B.C. 8/12/1979

frame 1: bird asleep on sleeping turtle's back
frame 2: turtle waking up
frame 3: turtle yells at bird "Wake up, bird, it's morning!" Startled bird, "Huh?"
frame 4: bird slipping off turtle's back "Whoooaaa"
frame 5: bird falling out of sight "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
frame 6: SPLAT
frame 7: Turtle "Why didn't you just fly?You Ninny!" Bird "Fly?"
frame 8: Turtle, "You're a BIRD, aren't you?"
frame 9: Bird, "You expect me to remember that when I'm only half awake?

Sounds like a good schedule

10-11 = conceptualize
11-12 = organize
12-1 = analyze
1-2 = lunch
2-3 = supervise
3-4 = reorganize
4-5 = finalize
5+ = socialize

Navigation at Sea

Boner's Ark, January 20 many years ago:

Helmsman: "What course have you plotted for us today, Navigator?"

Navigator: "Oh, what the heck, why don't you turn left?"

Helmsman: "There goes one f the world's great plotters."

Selling Short 1975

Employee, "If we could only keep the bosses in meetings all the time, this place would really run smoothly."

Hiring

Broomhilda comic 1979:

Employment: "What sort of job would like? Carpenter? Painter? Plumber?

Applicant: "No, I don't have any useful skills or abilities."

Employment: "Ah,... Management, then!"

Hagar on Moderation

Priest: "Remember, brother Hagar - Moderation!"

Hagar: "Yeah, sure."

Smert: "Is moderation good, Hagar?"

Hagar; "If you don't overdo it..."

Important Notice

The management regrets that it has come to their attention that employees dying on the job are failing to fall down.

This practice must stop, as it becomes impossible to distinguish between death and natural movement of the staff.

Any employee found dead in an upright position will be dropped from the payroll immediately.

The Management.

Which is which?

April 22, 1980 cartoon showing a young boy walking out of the principal's office. A small friend is waiting for him as he says "My problem is I don't know which are the rules and which are the guidelines."

Serious Question

The Lockhorns are out to dinner in a 1979 comic. The waiter is asking for the drink order:

Mr. Lockhorn: "Let's do this right. What kind of wine goes with bourbon?"

Original Nominees #4

Office of Disease Control = Magic Johnson
Office of Equal Opportunity = David Duke
Office of Culture and Arts = Madonna

Original Nominees #3

Department of Drug Enforcement - Marion Berry
Department of Family Affairs - Woody Allen
Department of Womens' Affairs -Amy Fisher

Original Nominees #2

Attorney General = Anita Hill
Surgeon General = Dr. Kevorkian
Department of Housing = Leona Helmsley
Department of Transportation = Ted Kennedy
Department of Veterans' Affairs = Jane Fonda

Original Nominees

White House Chief of Staff - Mike Tyson
Secretary of State - Al Sharpton
Secretary of Treasury - Charles Keating
Secretary of Labor - John Gotti
Secretary of Defense - Rodney King

The World According to Gump #2

Don't ever pick a fight with somebody that's really ugly lookin'.

Remember this: When someone is down there kissin' your butt, they could just as easily be bitin' it, too.

If  you want to be popular, do not engage in child molestin' or line dancin'.

Don't lick nothin' that's gonna stick to your tongue.

Some people, like me, are born idiots, but many more get stupider as they go along.

The World According to Gump

Here are some quirky quotes from Forrest Gump:

Never wear suspenders and a belt at the same time. Some people will think you are paranoid.

Beware of people that put numbers after their names.

Life can be one big toilet, so fall of of our sakes, don't make waves.

Most people don't look dumb until they start talkin'.

Do not suck your thumb - or anyone else's for that matter.

Died Anyway

Lady with flowers standing in a cemetery next to a marble marker that reads:

Born 1914
Gave Up Smoking 1959
Gave Up Booze 1973
Gave Up Red Meat 1983
Died Anyway 1991

Steven Wright #28:

(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. (picks up a glass of water from his stool) I like to live on the edge.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Dog Logic #3:

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the principle difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then them him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

Steven Wright #27:

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around the building ... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Dog Logic #2:

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

Women and cats do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert Heinlein

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Anon.

Steven Wright #26:

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same thickness."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep. The record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Dog Logic #1:

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anon.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Anon.

Steven Wright #25:

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and misspell words on them.

I go up one morning and couldn't find my sock, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Steven Wright #24:

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot. Then I sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity, I hung a right. My mother was there and she said, "I though I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

2013 Stella Awards #7:

Keep in mind that I do not make these up! I simply choose and post. I do not verify accuracy. This is just for enjoyment of those who enjoy jokes as much as I do.

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU game, having driven on to the freeway, she set cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,1750,000 plus a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinksi has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Steven Wright #23:

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles." That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

A copy stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a copy who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

One time a copy pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the copy looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) ... and says, "Here, you can go."

Steven Wright #22:

I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home right now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across country. We switched on the driving every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was.

2013 Stella Awards #6:

2013 Stella Awards #6:

Second Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her  two front front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 plus dental expenses.

Steven Wright #21:

Steven Wright #21:

For a while, I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter. No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I this the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replace the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

2013 Stella Awards #5:

Third Place:

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier in an argument.

Steven Wright #20:

I bought a house on a one-way, dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

My house is made of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other night I came home late and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have the leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

2013 Stella Awards #4:

Fifth Place:

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days  and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching.

Steven Wright #19:

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above. So I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead. I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with  ice cubes.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

2013 Stella Awards #3:

Sixth Place:

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, CA, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Steven Wright #18:

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere..

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. she said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

In my house there's a light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, tough it. It feels real."

List of Reasons #5:

And thanks to your advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician ...

A South African scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

2013 Stella Awards #2:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered a 4th place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Punography #4:

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #11:

I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person, "How do they know what size screen I have?"

2013 Darwin Awards #7:

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough.

Steven Wright #17:

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know. My calendar has no sevens on it."

Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hell, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so. He's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<<>>>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Gimme another ten guppies. I got a lot of calls yesterday."

List of Reasons #4:

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers, but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

2013 Stella Awards #1:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded #80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #10:

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

Punography #3:

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

2013 Darwin Awards #6:

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated gunman walked away.

Steven Wright #16:

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to a Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press? I don't get it.

List of Reasons #3:

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go shopping in malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FEDEX since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked by a needle infected with AIDS.

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #9:

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motorhome was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing looked like an extra the "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

Punography #2:

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

2013 Darwin Awards #5:

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.  The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Steven Wright #15:

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went to a 7-11 and asked for 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "Ten-four."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, "Pet Supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, "Compact Cars".

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

List of Reasons #2:

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no long can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi Cola or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #8:

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first.. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

Punography #1:

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

2013 Darwin Awards #4:

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block though a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. so he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be their on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on tape.

Steven Wright #14:

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings like "Boy with a Pail" and "Kitten on Fire".

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of a Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't sell me anything specifically.

List of Reasons #1:

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 thousand that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thoughts to Ponder #7:

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #7:

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC.

I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing.

She said, "never mind" and hung up.

So I got my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

2013 Darwin Awards #3:

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15. (If someone points a gun and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

Steven Wright #13:

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

Thoughts to Ponder #6:

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

There two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Just because you are paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you..

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

Interesting Real Newspaper Headlines #4:

"New sick policy requires 2-day notice"

"Parents keep kids home to protest school closure"

"Starvation can lead to health hazards"

"The bra celebrates a pair of historic milestones this year"

"Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on Northwoods Public Radio"

"Rangers get a whiff of Colon" (baseball pitcher)

"Miracle cure kills fifth patient"

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #6:

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

2013 Darwin Awards #2:

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Steven Wright #12:

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say 'I think I might have written that.'"

"So, do I live around here often?"

"I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, 'Hello, Information.' I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.' And they were!"

"When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child - eventually."

(Referring to a glass of water) "I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!"

Thoughts to Ponder #5:

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding though peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

Interesting Real Newspaper Headlines #3:

"Meeting on open meetings is closed"

"Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney"

"Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf"

"Hospitals resort to hiring doctors"

"Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem"

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #5:

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #5

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." - Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." - Sir John Eric Erickson, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

"$100 million dollars is way too much to pay for Microsoft." - IBM, 1982

Steven Wright #11:

If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would He see people?

In my house there's a light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else, when birds died, they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's book ... not on purpose.

Facts of Life #4:

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Thoughts to Ponder #4:

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen or King.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

I get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.

Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?