2013 Darwin Awards

Glorious Winner:

When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliott did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

Honorable Mentions

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finer. The chef's claim was approved.

Interesting Real Newspaper Headlines #2:

"Homicide victims rarely talk to police"

"17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree"

"Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800 pound ball on his head"

"Bridges help people cross rivers"

"City unsure why the sewer smells"

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #4:

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

Person: "It says 'Hit ENTER when ready."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #4:

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." - 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." - Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable problem by inventing the Nautilus

"Drill for oil?" You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." - Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

Adult Truths to Think About #4:

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear get dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone and pinning the tail on the donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

Steven Wright #10:

I put hardwood floors on my wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So, what did you think?"

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

What are imitation rhinestones?

Facts of Life #3

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Seen it all; done it all; can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Thoughts to Ponder #3

The trouble with being in the rat race is that, even if you win, you're still a rat.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional!

Random Thinking

I just watched my dog chase its tail for 5 minutes and I thought 'Dogs are easily entertained.' Then I realized I was just watching my dog chase its tail for 5 minutes!

Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim. It sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing in the morning.

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin ... and muffins are healthy.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest.

The internet went down and I had to spend time with the family. They seem like good people.

Based on my calculations, I can retire about 5 years after I die.

Interesting Real Newspaper Headlines #1

Diana was still Alive Hours Before she Died

Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

Homeless survive winter: Now what?

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #3:

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #3:

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America like crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." - response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." - Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M 'Post-It" Notepads

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or, we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So, then, we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

Adult Truths to Think About #3:

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I wish Google Maps had an "avoid ghetto" routing option.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Steven Wright #9:

I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Facts of Life #2

If you are given a take home test, you will forget where you live.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It my be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Sky's law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Thoughts to Ponder #2

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. She's strange and I'm wonderful - or should that be that I'm strange and she's wonderful?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #2

1st person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"
2nd person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st person: "Well, I sent a fax and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again and the same thing happened."
2nd person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #2

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - Western Union internal memo, 1876

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Samoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-informed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face, not Gary Cooper." - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind"

Adult Truths to Think About #2

Map Quest and Google Maps really need to start their instructions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

Steven Wright #8:

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Facts of Life #1:

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If their OK, you're it.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget the book.

Thoughts to Ponder #1:

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself, "Where's the ceiling?"

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #1

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #1

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computer." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - editor of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" - Engineering at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

Adult Truths to Think About #1

Sometimes I'll look at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Nothing is worse than that moment in an argument when you realize you are wrong.

I totally take back all those time I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is a great need for a 'sarcasm' font.

How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning 'cursive' really necessary?

Steven Wright #7

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

Steven Wright #6

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu". The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Steven Wright #5

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I went to a garage sale. I asked how much for the garage. They told me it wasn't for sale.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Steven Wright #4

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

Droughts are because God didn't pay His water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The sign said "Eight items of less" so I changed my name to Les.

Steven Wright #3

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

Steven Wright #2

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright #1

When I was in the Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Who's the Best Man?

Readers Digest, July 2013 quote from Jerry Seinfeld:

"I was the best man at the wedding. If I was the best man, why is she marrying him?"

TV?

Readers Digest, July 2013 - All in a Day's Work - submitted by S. A., Naples, FL:

Because a lunar eclipse was scheduled for that evening, I told my students that their homework assignment was to go look at it. One of them asked, "What channel is it on?"

Spousal Communications

From the July, 2013 Readers Digest - Laughter, the Best Medicine from @WilliamAder:

"You know that guy who looks like that other guy in that show we used to like? He died."

That's how my wife and I communicate.

Rich or Poor?

Maxine: "Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."

Aches and Pains

Maxine: "After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead."

The future

Maxine: "Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? Now that is scary."

Bucket Seats

Maxine on Bucket Seats: "The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."

Aging Well

Maxine on Aging: "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

Reboot

Maxine on the Technology Revolution: "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

The Perfect Man

Maxine on The Perfect Man: "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Lawn Care

Maxine on lawn care: "The key to a nice looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Cleaning Mirrors

Maxine on Housework: I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.

Drive Safely

Maxine on "Driver Safety" -- "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

Really?

How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

Ricky, age 10

What if?

If people did not get married, there would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

Kelvin, age 8

Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9

Follow the Rules

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

Howard, age 8

Age Requirement?

The law says you have to be eighteen to kiss, so I wouldn't mess with that.

Curt, age 7

Money Talks

When is it okay to kiss someone?

When they're rich!

Pam, age 7

First Date

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10

Dates

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynette, age 8

Total Agreement

Q: What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
A: Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8

Can you guess right?

You might have to guess if two people are married based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8

Kids view of finding someone to marry #3

Twenty-three is the best age to get married because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Camille, age 10

Kids view of finding someone to marry #2

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

Kristen, age 10

Kids view of finding someone to marry #1

You got to find somebody who like the samestuff. Like, if you like sports, she should lit it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Alan, age 10

Newbies!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Short memory!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket!

Be correct

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!.

Will work for cash

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Twenty Dollar bills, please

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

Just Trying to Help Out

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

Trip to India

"On my trip to India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

Readers Digest, Easily Offended

Try it sometime

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

I knew there was a good reason!

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Respect

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Start the Day Right

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Life

One of the ironies of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

Choose your words wisely

My wife and I had words. I didn't get to use mine.

Change can be good

Answering machine message: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Playing it Safe

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes, sir. With my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes, sir, we do.

Q: And do you have locker in the room?
A: Yes, sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #4

15. Law of Locations: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible, if you don't know what you are saying.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find something you really like, they stop making it.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #3

11. Theater Rule: At any event, people whose seat is farthest from the aisle will arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in the locker room, it will be side by side lockers for them.
14. Law of Dirty Carpets: The chances of an open faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a carpet are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #2

6. Variation Law: If you change lanes in traffic, the one you were in will start to move faster.
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water the phone will ring.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of Result: When you try to prove that a machine won't work then it will.
10. Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is beyond the ability to reach it.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #1

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After you get your hands coated with grease your nose will start to itch or you need to go to the bathroom.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Telephone: When you dial a wrong number it is never busy.
5. Law of Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

It runs in the family

A woman goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The woman replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the woman to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the woman. He looks out from his office and see the woman crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the woman. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too."

Hot and Cold

A blonde (or hillbilly) was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She (or he) was quite fascinated by it, so she/he picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow", said the blonde (hillbilly), "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So he/she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her/his boss saw it on her/his desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she/he replied.

Her/his boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blonde (or hillbilly) replied "Two Popsicles and some coffee."

How to repair dents in your car

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late on night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000 for these implants. I'm not going to shoot myself in the chest."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth and I thought, I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun to my ear and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Cold Winter?

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

Two Blondes With Hammers

Lisa and Judy were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Lisa explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Judy got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Blondes are back #1

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"

2013 politically correct language

• She does not nag you - she becomes verbally repetitive
• He does not have a beer gut - he has developed a liquid grain storage facility
• He does not get lost all the time - he investigates alternative destinations
• He is not balding - he is in follicle regression

Hillbillies

Being politically correct in 2013 means you can no longer refer to Kentuckians, Tennesseans or West Virginians as hillbillies. You must now refer to them as Appalachian-Americans.

Stop the Presses

Readers Digest, February 2013:

Some mistakes make the headlines; other are the headlines:

• Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for "Talking Stupidly" - La Crosse Tribune (WI)
• Poverty, Hunger Go Together - Advertiser (Bastrop, TX; submitted by Jeneva Leifester)
• Self-Proclaimed Invisible Man No-Show at Court Hearing - Daily Herald, Provo UT

A New Minister's Plea

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States, submitted by V. Nifong, Auburndale, FL:

Our new minister pleaded with the congregation for help on a church project. After weeks with few takers, he called our house with the deeply felt, if not diplomatic, request: "I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for volunteers and wonder if you might be able to help?"

Generation Gap

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States, submitted by Julie, R., Grand Rapids, MI:

My five-year-old son was badgering us to get him an iPad. "My friend brought his to school, and I want one, too," he insisted.

"Absolutely not," said my husband. "They're expensive and fragile. Besides, what would you even do with an iPad?"

Our son replied, "I'd put it over my eye and play pirates with my friends."

Can You Hear Me Now?

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States from mobileinsurance.co.uk:

Make sure to get insurance for your smart phone. The people did, and here are the claims they filed:

• A farmer said his iPhone had disappeared inside the back end of one of his cows - he'd been using the light on his phone to assist the cow during calving. The phone later made an appearance, but was damaged.
• A woman baked her Android phone into a cake she'd been making for her daughter's birthday.
• A couple reenacting the "I'm the king of the world!" scene from Titanic lost their phone over the side of the cruise ship while taking a photo of themselves.

Dry Roast Chicken

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States submitted by Pam Brennan, Stratford, NJ:

My husband will not be confused for Jamie Oliver anytime soon. Before I ran off to work, I gave him detailed instructions on how to cook dinner. That evening, I returned home to find a dry chicken roasting in the oven next to a Pyrex measuring cup full of water.

"What's that doing there?" I asked.

Clearly offended, he sputtered, "You told me to put the chicken in the oven with a cup of water!"

Don't Know Much About History

Readers Digest, February 2013 from wilsonquarterly.com:

An anonymous professor was either so horrified or bemused by his students' papers that he collected their oddest insights:

• During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle-aged.
• The Black Death helped the emergence of the English Language as the national language of England, France and Italy.
• History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815.

The Excuse is in the Mail

Readers Digest, April 2013, All in a Day's Work from careerbuilder.com:

Can't pull it together to go to work? Don't use one of these tried-and-unfortunately-true alibis:

• Employee's sobriety tool wouldn't allow the car to start.
• Employee forgot he had been hired for the job.
• Employee said her dog was having a nervous breakdown.
• Employee's dead grandmother was being exhumed for a police investigation.
• Employee's toe was stuck in a faucet.
• Employee said a bird bit her.
• Employee was upset after watching The Hunger Games.
• Employee's hair was turned orange by an at-home dye kit.
• Employee got sick from reading too much.

Doggone it!

Readers Digest, April 2013, All in a Dy's Work, from newsposstleader.co.uk:

Every year, the RSPCA - the British equivalent of the ASPCA - fields a lot of odd phone calls from distressed animal lovers. Here are a few:

• A citizen called to report a slow-moving tortoise on the shoulder of a motorway. It turned out to be a deflated football.
• Someone reported that a seagull was looking sad because it was sitting in the rain.
• A caller asked if we could remove a spider from her bathroom sink.

Where'd It Go?

Readers Digest, April 2013, Humor in Uniform submitted by Alfred Miles:

While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy. They had lost contact with one of their planes and needed us to send an aircraft to find it. I asked the man where the plane had last been spotted so we would know where to search.

"I can't tell you," he said. "That's classified."

Ships Cost A Lot of Money

Readers Digest, April 2013 - Humor in Uniform - quoting Comedian Dick Gregory:

"When I lost my rifle, the army charged me $85. That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship."

An apology?

Readers Digest, June 2013, from the Ottawa Citizen:

"We wish to apologize for our apology to Mark Steyn, published Oct. 22. In correcting the incorrect statements about Mr. Steyn published Oct. 15, we incorrectly published the incorrect correction. We accept and regret that our initial regrets were unacceptable, and we apologize to Mr. Steyn for any distress caused by our previous apology."

Stop The Presses!

From Readers Digest, June, 2013:

Some headlines are better than the news they deliver

• Self-Proclaimed Invisible Man No-Show at Court Hearing (Daily Herald, Provo, Utah)
• Police Arrest Naked Man with Concealed Weapon (msnbc.com - Linda Fabbri, Corbin, KY)
• Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for "Talking Stupidly" (La Crosse Tribune, WI)
• SUV Crashes into House After Suffering Seizure (Great Falls Tribune, MO)

Children's answers to Bible questions #5

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the opposums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another word for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Children's answers to Bible questions #4

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manage.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

Children's answers to Bible questions #3

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Children's answers to Bible questions #2

7.  Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8.  The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9.  The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Children's answers to Bible questions #1

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Politics and Politicians #2 (not really that funny):

--Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.~Oscar
Ameringer, "The Mark Twain of American Socialism"

--I offered my opponents a deal: "If they stop telling lies about me, I will
stop telling the truth about them".~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

--A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.~Texas Guinan, 19th century American businessman

--I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.~Charles de Gaulle, French general and politician

--Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.~Doug Larson, English middle-distance runner who won gold
medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris ,
1902-1981

I am reminded of a joke:
What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is a solution!!!
(I don't know who said this )

Politics and Politicians #1 (not really that funny):

--We hang petty thieves and appoint the great thieves to public
office.~Aesop, Greek slave and fable author

--Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

--Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

--When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by
Irving Stone

--Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel,
go out and buy some more tunnel.~John Quinton, American actor/writer

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH #5

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name)

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. [In NC the first day of bear season IS a state holiday]

You know what a hissy fit is..[And you know how to pitch one]

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH #4

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.
 
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. [Why else would you carry them?]

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.
[Everyone knows ketchup is a vegetable.  The other spice is Bar-b-que sauce.]

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, The motor sports, and gossip.
[Don't forgit the obits]

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH #3

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as The Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You work from cain't see to cain't see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH #2

It is not a shopping cart, It is a buggy!

Jawl-P? Means, Did you all go To the bathroom?

People actually grow,eat And like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH #1

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2013 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause
for panic and you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

Stuff #4:

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called
the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
--------------------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
them 'mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
--------------------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups when they needed
a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
--------------------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their Elbow!
--------------------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
what I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset
can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by itself,
but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Stuff #3:

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
--------------------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One Thousand
--------------------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented By women.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the Phrase...'Goodnight, sleep tight'

Stuff #2:

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
--------------------- --------- --------- ----
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
--------------------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..
--------------------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
-------------- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David Hearts – Charlemagne Clubs –Alexander The Great Diamonds – Julius Caesar
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
--------------------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Stuff #1:

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule Of thumb'
------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word
GOLF entered into the English language.
------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
--------------------- --------- --------- ----
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------- ------------ --------- --------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
--------------------- --------- --------- ----
Coca-Cola was originally green.

Fine Whines get Better With Age

Readers Digest, May 2013:

Insults. To quote Alice Roosevelt Longworth, "If you have nothing nice to say about someone, sit right next to me."

Here are some insults from famous people:

Winston Churchill: "A modest little person with much to be modest about."

Forrest Tucker: "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Samuel Foote: "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."

Paul Keating: "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #6:

Beelzebug, n. - Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor, n. - the color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus, n. - a person who's both stupid and (you can figure out the rest)

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #5:

Decafalon, n. - the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido, v. - all talk and no action.

Dopeler effect, n. - the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit, n. - the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentlally walked into a spider web.

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #4:

Inoculate, v. - to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis, n. - terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis, n. - a degenerate disease.

Karmageddon, n. - it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #3:

Oyster, n. - a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism, n. - the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Bozone, n. - the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, show little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti, n - vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Sarchasm, n - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #2:

Negligent, adj. - describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph, v. - to walk with a lisp

Gargoyle, n. - olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence, n. - emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, n. - a rapidly receding hairline.

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions 1-5

1. coffee, n. - the person upon whom one coughs
2. flabbergasted, adj. - appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. abdicate, v. - to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. - to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. - impotent

As Good a Reason as Any

Readers Digest, June 2013 submitted by Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland:

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, "Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?"

"Not really," I replied.

"Did you marry him for his money?"

"Definitely not," I laughed. "He didn't have any."

"So," he said, "you just felt sorry for him."

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Eat Healthy

From June, 2013 Readers Digest:

Overheard at a fair:

Little girl: I want cotton candy!

Mom: You can have some cotton candy after you eat something healthy.

Little girl: I want cotton candy now!

Mom: I said no, you're going to have something healthy! How about a corn dog?

Always Enunciate Clearly

Readers Digest, May 2013 - Life in These United States submitted by Peter Melville, Cornwall, England:

When I was pulled over for speeding, I told the officer, "I'm sorry, but the road seemed clear and ..."

"How would you have reacted if Mister Fog had suddenly appeared?"

Annoyed at his patronizing manner, I replied, "I suppose I would have applied Mr. Brake and summoned up Mr. and Mrs. Headlight!"

Enunciating each syllable, the officer repeated, "How would you have reacted if mist ... or ... fog had suddenly appeared?"

Think About It

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

Great Truths 21-26

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop

26.  When you rob Peter to pay Paul, Peter will get sore and who can do business with a sore Peter?
--L.J.K. Jr. 

Great Truths 16-20

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. 
-- Mark Twain (1866) 

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. 
-- Anonymous 

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. 
-- Ronald Reagan 

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

Great Truths 11-15

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers


13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

Great Truths 6-10

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

Great Truths 1-5

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Bob Hope on going to Heaven

"I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Bob Hope on his early failures

"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

Bob Hope on his 6 brothers

"That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

Bob Hope on his family's early poverty

"Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

Bob Hope on receiving the Congressional Gold Medal

 "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

Bob Hope on Presidents

"I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only 6."

Bob Hope on golf

"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

Bob Hope on never winning an Oscar

"Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'".

Bob Hope was a Boxer

Bob Hope on giving up his early boxing career: "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."

Bob Hope quoted on turning 100

"I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything at all until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

Bob Hope quoted on turning 90

 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

Bob Hope at 80

Bob Hope quoted on turning 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

Bob Hope at 70

Bob Hope quoted on turning 70 "I still chase women, but only downhill."

I wonder why #4:

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I wonder why #3:

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those 2 mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

I wonder why #2:

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins the Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

I wonder why #1:

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes up front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet soda?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Turkey Shoot

I shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Getting old is so much fun!

The Senility Prayer

Lord, Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do like,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Serenity #9:

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says "For Fast Relief"

Serenity #8:

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Serenity #7:

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Serenity #6:

I feel my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Serenity #5:

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated and , second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure that my daughters visit me twice a week."

Serenity #4:

I've sure gotten old! I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia; have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my drivers license!

Serenity #3:

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

Serenity #2:

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?," The reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Serenity #1:

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98", she replied, "Two years older than me."

"So, you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Why everyone likes retirement #3:

What is the best way to describe retirement? The never-ending coffee break.

What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? He too polite to tell the whole truth.

What do you do all week? Monday through Friday, nothing... Saturday and Sunday, rest.

Why everyone likes retirement #2:

Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Tied shoes

Why do retirees count pennies? They are the only ones who have the time.

What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Nuts.

Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal

Why everyone likes retirement #1:

How many days in a week? 6 Saturdays and 1 Sunday

When is a retiree's bedtime? About 3 hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

What's the biggest gripe of retirees? There is not enough time to get everything done.

Why don't retirees mind being called seniors? Because the term comes with a 10%-15% discount.

Adult Truths #5:

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone and pinning the tail on the donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find an push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

The first testicular guard, the 'cup', was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize their brain is also important.

Heal the past, live the present and dream the future.

Adult Truths #4:

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid" routing option.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Adult Truths #3:

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Adult Truths #2:

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired.

Bad decisions make  good stories.

Adult truths #1:

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing is worse that that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was young.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

How are you supposed to fold a pleated sheet?

Joke Editor's Dictionary #9:

Ultimatum - n. - a last demand before resorting to concessions (Ambrose Bierce)

Vegetarian - n. - an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter" (Andy Rooney)

Whom - pronoun - a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler (Calvin Trillin)

X-ray - n. - an image often used by persons interested in becoming bone models (The Onion Book of Known Knowledge)

Yoga - n. - a Sanskrit word that means "Heal your back without insurance" (Norman K.)

Zucchini - n. - a vegetable that can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Joke Editor's Dictionary #8:

Spring - n. - Nature's way of saying "Let's party!" (Robin Williams)
Synonym - n. - A word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. (Burt Bacarach)

Tool - n. - An object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. (Dave Barry)

Joke Editor's Dictionary #7:

Psychiatrist - n. - 
(1) A fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing. (Joey Adams)
(2) The next person you start talking to after you start talking to yourself. (Fred Allen)

Queen - n. - Someone who is never late -- everyone else is simply early.

Reality - n. - A leading cause of stress for those in touch with it. (Jane Wagner)
Rotisserie - n. - A morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. (Mitch Hedberg)

Savings - n. - A very fine thing, especially when your parent have done it for you. (Winston Churchill)

Joke Editor's Dictionary #6:

Narcissist - n - someone better looking than you are. (Gore Vidal)
NASCAR - n. - the act of turning left in a Chevrolet for four hours. (Urban Dictionary)

Opera - n. - when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. (Ed Gardner)

Pessimist - n. - someone who is constantly being proven right or pleasantly surprised. (George Will)

Joke Editor's Dictionary #5:

Jury - n. - Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. (Robert Frost)

Ketchup - n. - A condiment that, when left overnight on a dinner plate, has a longer half-life than radioactivity. (Wes Smith)

Life - n. - What happens when you're not watching TV. (Jason Love)

Media - n. - The plural of mediocrity. (Jimmy Breslin)
Meow - n. - Woof, in cat. (George Carlin)

Joke Editor's Dictionary #4:

Hollywood - n. - The only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap - Steve Martin
Humans - n. - The only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home - Bill Cosby

Internet - n. - The death of the idea that your cat was special or that your dad was the only one who said Tar-jay - Alison Agosti

Joke Editor's Dictionary #3:

Experience - n. - That marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Firefighter - n. - One of the few job titles kind enough to warn me away by containing two words I'm not interested in, unlike the deceptive bookkeeper.
Fruit - n. - A vegetable with looks and money.

Greeting Card - n. - When you care enough to send the very best but not enought to actually write something.

Heaven - n. - A gated community.
Heck - n. - The place people go if they don't believe in gosh.

Joke Editor's Dictionary #2:

Committee - n. - A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
Conclusion - n. - The place you reach when you're tired of thinking.

Dachsund - n. - A dog that is half a dog high and a dog and a half long.
Disappointment - n. - Receiving no likes on a witty status.
Drama - n. Life with the dull bits left out.

Joke Editor's Dictionary #1

April, 2013 Readers Digest: Our Joke Editor's Dictionary by Andy Simmons:

Abdicate - v. - To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
Advice - n. - What we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't (Erica Jong)
Age - n. - A high price to pay for maturity (Tom Stoppard)

Bookstore - n. - One of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking (Jerry Seinfeld)

Calories - n. - Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes tighter every night

Cat - n. - An animal intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose (Garrison Keillor)

.. And One from Abroad

Readers Digest, April, 2013 submitted by Patricia Regan, Fort Smith, Canada:

My friend Janet and I decided to check out a little boutique in the country. While we were examining the china, curios and hand-crocheted tablecloths, a man appeared.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"No, thank you," I said. "We're just browsing in your lovely boutique."

He politely responded, "The boutique is downstairs; this is our living room."

Kids say the Weirdest Things

Readers Digest, April 2013, source: acidcow.com:

One reason to friend your children on Facebook is to make sure they don't embarrass themselves with posts like these real ones:

.. "It took me ten minutes to remember how to spell water bottel."

.. "Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can't see."

.. "There is no i in happyness."

.. "Goodbye, America. Hello, New York!"

School Excuse Notes #3

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.

School Excuse Notes #2

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in his growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cuz he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

School Excuse Notes #1

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Please excuse Rolan from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Brrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Readers Digest, March 2013 - submitted by Scott Donovan, Charlton, Massachusetts:

As a teenager, I worked at a diner that had an all-glass front. One day, a blizzard blew in knocking the wind chill factor down to 40 below. But my boss sent me outside anyway to wash the windows.

"Put some alcohol in that bucket so the water doesn't freeze," he said.

"The water? What about me?" I asked.

He grunted, "You're too young for alcohol."

How Do You Calculate Square Feet?

Readers Digest, March 2013, submitted by Terri Hanke, Kansas:

The front office asked us to figure out the square footage dedicated to each department in our clothing store. To save time, I suggested we count the ceiling tiles above each department.

"They're each two square feet. Counting the tiles would give us an accurate dimension of each department without having to work around all the displays," I explained.

My boss hated the idea. "He-lloo," she said, sarcastically, "we need the square footage of the floor, not the ceiling."

Misuse of the English Language

March, 2013, Readers Digest submitted by Sue T., Ohio:

My boss's biggest nemesis is the English language. During one meeting, I asked about the status of a particular report. He replied, "We aren't going to prepare that report. It would be an exercise in fertility."

It would be funnier if he didn't earn four times more than I do.

Bad Timing

Readers Digest, March 2013:

Fred's father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk across the lake to the bar across the lake for their first legal drinks. So when Fred's 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the middle of the lake, stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned. Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Fred's eyes and said, "Because they were all born in January and you were born in August."

Nuns Grading Papers #5

(supposedly actual answers on tests)

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached Holy Acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Nuns Grading Papers #4

(supposedly actual answers on tests)

When the three wise guys from the East side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained that man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

Nuns Grading Papers #3

(supposedly actual answers on tests)

Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to be still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.